How To Win Friends And Influence People
My mom recently gave me the ubiquitous book, How To Win Friends and Influence People which is one of the best selling books of all time. The copy she gave me was the one she bought in the eighties, but when I looked at the copyright the book was actually written in 1936. Skeptical that the book could teach me anything I didn’t already really know, I decided last night to crack it open (not drinking has afforded me a lot of extra time for sober thinking, i.e. reading) and I was pleasantly surprised at how well-written it was and full of interesting anecdotal stories about people like Mark Twain, Abraham Lincoln, and Andrew Carnegie—people who were famous for making a profound difference in other people’s lives.
I won’t go into all the details here since many of you have probably read the book or at least know of the facets. The one thing I have to say that struck me immediately was the first thing Mr. Carnegie talks about, and that is not to criticize people. He presses the notion that criticizing, judging, and complaining lead to nowhere—and gives numerous examples of how doing just that actually makes things worse rather than makes things better. Sure, you might feel better to get things off your chest, but have you solved the problem?
One of the examples he gives is that of Al Capone, the notorious gangster who was one of the most famous criminals of his time. Capone never condemned himself, in fact he actually regarded himself as “an unappreciated and misunderstood public benefactor.” Carnegie goes on to say that he interviewed a warden of New York’s infamous Sing Sing prison and found that very few inmates regarded themselves as bad men. They felt they were all justified in their actions. And that’s the key right there: justification. When was the last time someone attacked you (whether they were right or wrong in their attack) that you didn’t justify your actions? It’s only natural and Darwin-esque that we rationalize our behavior when pressed to answer. So what makes us think that we can attack others and come up with a different outcome?
You can never win an argument. Unless perhaps you’re a lawyer and there’s an actual case to be won. Otherwise, you’re just building up resentment, anger, and disloyalty from those you attack. If that’s the outcome you want, then please continue to criticize, complain, and judge. I know that I’m guilty of doing just that, even very recently. I apologize to those I’ve offended. No one is perfect. Everyone has reasons why they do things. It sucks when you’re at the tail end of the stick and the bad things fall upon you. But being angry at someone, attacking them, or even just plain pointing it out in what you think is an honest but stern way, does nothing to solve the problem. You must re-train your brain to stop acting out of instinct and immediately place yourself in the other person’s shoes. You must have compassion, you must care to build, not destroy relationships, and you must put your ego aside. Scolding gets you nowhere. More than ninety percent of the time, people will respond better to thoughtful talk rather than angry accusations. You can never force someone to change– you must inspire them. It’s the only way for true, lasting results. It might seem to be a difficult task, but if you practice, you will succeed.
Carnegie also talks about Benjamin Franklin, who became the American ambassador to France. When asked what the secret to his success was, he said, “I will speak ill of no man…and speak all the good I know of everybody.”
Try it and see just how many loyal friends you can acquire.
